


How are you

by delena_x_semi



Category: Demi Lovato (Musician), Selena Gomez (Musician)
Genre: F/F, Fanfiction, Lesbian Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 00:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6449098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delena_x_semi/pseuds/delena_x_semi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Selena has applied for caregiver in a physiatric hospital, it's her dream coming true. She meets one of her patients, Demi, who suffers from a traumatizing secret. She knows Demi is not mad at all, although Demi is self distructive, she has scratches on her face and cuts on every part of her body. But Demi somehow feels a strange connection blooming between her and Selena, which she knew about since the first day they met.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. She is complicated

After graduating college, I was finally ready to do the job I always wanted to do. I had applied for worker in a mental hospital. It contained patients with many forms of psychiatric disabilities. I couldn't call it a madhouse, but some patients could be pretty lunatic. I always wanted to help such patients. My aunt had a comparable disability. I always loved to take care of her when we went to visit her. That was the first time I knew I wanted to help people with such conditions. I had graduated from high school when I was 18 and had taken the psychological section of my college. My life wasn't bad at all. Although, one struggle got in the way for several years. The moment I found myself having a crush on a girl in class, I knew it was different from my old boyfriends. I knew, from that moment, that I was gay. I never had an actual girlfriend before. I hooked up with some stupid college girls, but there never was anything serious going on. I just wanted a girl who cared about me, and not about my ability to give her the slightest orgasm. Because that's all they cared about, sex.

"Goodmorning!" Mister Sanders, my new boss, pulled me from my stare as he extended his arm. I gave him a hand and greeted back.

"We are very happy to have you here, today is a perfect day to start. Walk with me to my office, then I can hand you the right papers and files." He spoke with his low voice and headed off to his office.

"Take a seat, do you want coffee?" He asked.

"Yes, thank you." I sat down and quietly observed him. He was a black man, wearing a light-blue business shirt with a dark red tie. He placed two mugs underneath the spout of the coffee machine. I looked around the office. I noticed a small picture hanging on the wall. A picture of him, surrounded by smiling patients and contributors. I played with my bracelet while noticing how well the office looked. The man really had his stuff together. He placed the two mugs on drink coasters and sat down.

"So, Selena Marie Gomez, am I pronouncing that right?" He said while looking at his computer screen. I shook my head.

"It's Gómez, with the emphasis on the O." I corrected. He nodded and went on.

"We have two departments in our institute: The primary and the secondary department. On the secondary department live the patients with just a small form of mental illness. On the primary department live the patients, who's case are a bit more severe. They cannot leave their hut without permission or guidance. You will help treat both of the departments, depending on your shifts." He explained and handed me a file. I opened the map and browsed through the reports of different patients. They all reported their basic information, but also social specialties.

"These are your patients. They are divided between those two departments. And here is a list of your schedule. Do you have any questions?"

"Not yet." I said truthfully. He laughed.

"You can always visit me to ask questions, but keep in mind that you are responsible for your patients if it's your shift. Here is an emergency belt." He handed me a belt with a little box on the side that contained buttons.

"Listen carefully. The red button is for a moment when a patient brings you or other patients in danger. Other workers will quickly come to help you. The green button is for a moment when a patient has a medical malfunction, such as seizures or physical damage. The ambulance will be called right away and workers will help in this case as well. The blue button is for when something is wrong with your schedule. Whether it's a colleague who doesn't show up or you find out you have two shifts at a time. Clear"

"Crystal." I put on the belt.

"Then you can now go to the second floor, room 14b. Kris will wait for you there."

"Hi! You must be Selena." Kris gave a hand. Kris was a short woman with blond hair and big glasses. She looked extremely attractive, but probably straight.

"Yeah, and you must be Kris then?"

"Yes, good guess. May I?" She pointed at the file that Mister Sanders had given me. I nodded and gave it to her. She studied the patients and had a specific reaction to each one of them.

"Oh he is so sweet, you'll love him! She is so boring, don't play chess with her, she'll never stop. Ouch that's a toughy." She waited for a moment when she flipped the page to one of the patients from the primary department.

"Wait, you have her? I thought somebody had that shift already. Oh well, maybe she left, I hadn't seen her in days. You must be her replacement then. You've got some work to do with this girl, nobody really understands her." I grabbed the file back and looked at the page.

Full name: Demetria Devonne Lovato (strictly prefers to be called Demi)

Age: 23 (20th August, 1992)

Date institutionalization: 4th February, 2002 (aged 9)

I saw a picture of her next to her name. A young woman, with pretty dark-brown eyes, and black hair. Her face was damaged, as if someone had tried to claw her eyes out with its nails. Her traumatized face expression dug into my soul. I looked at the description of her illness.

_Highly traumatized by a memory she keeps as a secret. Has a massive lack of social skills. Suffers from panic attacks and tantrums. Does not participate any activities on own will. Makes unpredictable and jerky movements. Makes peculiar and odd eye movements. Received epileptic attacks at least once a week. Barely shows particular emotions, such as: happiness, sadness or disgust._

I sighed. She must have a horrible life.

I took my schedule again, after having introduced myself many times. The people were really sweet here. I think I had made a great first impression. It was time to meet her. Demi. I walked over to the primary department. It was a little scary in this corridor. The lights were dimmed and two people yelled scary words. I stopped at hut 2f and peeked through the small window of the door. She sat with her back faced to the door, just a few inches away from the opposite wall. She didn't do anything, she just stared to it while having her head lowered. I held my fingers against my lips before entering. How was I going to start? Every patient included a checklist in its report. It was a one-time thing, because it was my first day here. They literally wrote down the things she used to do, from saying hello to saying goodbye. I opened the door. She only moved her head a little to the side, but I couldn't see her face yet. I closed the door and quickly checked my list.

_Greets back_

"Hi." I began. She quickly lifted her head up when she noticed I wasn't her usual caregiver, but she didn't look at me, let alone that she spoke a word. I crossed through the first sentence with my black pen. I saw her sighing when she heard the ball of my pen making noise against the clipboard. I thought about it. Maybe she already had so many caregivers. What if they all began the same way as I do now? I didn't want to be a regular caregiver to her. I threw the clipboard on her bed, just to see her reaction. But she didn't react at all. I bit my lip.

"I brought food for you, but if I want to hand you these delicious sandwiches, I think the wall is in the way." I smirked. I placed the food on her desk and sat next to it.

"You can get up and grab it if you want." I said. She now finally turned her face to me. She was even prettier than I thought. Just like the photo showed, she had wounds around her eyes. She looked surprised at me, but then slowly turned her head back to its previous position. The other caregivers must have treated her as if she couldn't move on her own. I know she could.

"Aren't you hungry? If you don't eat, I won't be able to play games with you as well." I said with a teasing tone. I kept being careful though, because in the back of my mind I knew she could get a tantrum. I rested my elbows on my knees and studied her. Her lower arms were glued to the arms of the chair. Her hands were bended in an odd way. And her head was still pointed at the wall. She then turned around again and looked at me, and then to the food. Her lips told me she was hungry. Ha, a way to put her in motion. She sighed and tensed her lips. Irritation. She probably tricked all of her previous caregivers by letting them think she wasn't capable of doing anything. I was not that stupid. She finally got up and faced to me. She looked tensed, her shoulders were lifted a little and her fists were clenched. She stepped closer to me while her head quivered in small shocks. Her eyes pointed to several ways in flashes. She stopped in front of the food while her head was faced to me. I crossed my arms, she could eat on her own. She grabbed the sandwich, started eating and then drank her water on end. Good. After finishing it she went back to her chair, exactly the way she came. She turned her chair around and stared at me, emotionlessly. All of the sudden, the most peculiar question came out of her mouth.

"How are you?" She asked. I raised my eyebrows of surprise.

"I'm good, thank you. How are you?" I said with an intentional impressed voice. She moved her eyes to several points now, as she looked more frustrated than ever. The sudden eye movements actually looked quite scary.

"No. How ARE you?" She emphasized. What did she mean? Didn't she believe that I was feeling good today?

"Uhm, well just a little tired. That's all." I answered truthfully. But she responded even more frustrated and turned her head away. She went back to turn her seat around, but I wasn't having any of the nasty behavior. I quickly got up to stop her.

"Hey, hey, come on! What s wrong?" I said. But as soon as I placed my hands on her arms to stop her from turning the chair, she snapped. She recoiled and screamed at me. I was shocked and confused. I held my arms up of surrender. How could a girl her age grow up to be like this? She stopped screaming and looked at me. She did nothing but stare at me with her traumatized face expression. With her eyebrows frowned and her shoulders still lifted. Her eyes dug into my soul and it pained me. I couldn't bare it. She looked at me for over a minute without doing anything. What was she doing?

I finally recollected myself together and made an attempt to turn the chair back around.

"N-no." She softly grumbled, but I gave a menacing face back. She quickly stepped back and looked down. If we wanted things to work, she at least needed to listen to me. I turned the chair around and made a gesture for her to sit on it. I knew I wanted to handle her different than her previous caregivers, but she gave me no choice. Because if I acted a little different, she would only do different things to me as well. I sat down on her bed and grabbed the checklist again. She kept making small noises of telling me I wasn't doing anything right, but I ignored it. I clicked the pen open.

"Greets back." She said suddenly. I looked at her, then to the clipboard and back at her.

"You can check it."

"But you didn't greet back." I said. She looked down again while frowning.

"Pursues standard conversation. Obeys formal orders. Eats and drinks. Obeys orders to get to bed. Brushed teeth. Doesn't prohibit to get in her pajamas. Goes to bed without issues. Falls asleep without interfering the caregiver or other patients." She enumerated all the things on the list. I looked surprised at her, but she went on.

"Make sure, colon. Wounds are taken care of." She pointed at the bandages around her legs, wrists and pulled her shirt up to show her bandaged hip. "Nails are cut." She held her hands up. "Patient didn't steal cutlery." She pointed at her plate, with all of the cutlery on it. "Patient doesn't have any forms of elastic bands or cords in possession." She held her arms up and then brushed her hands through her untied hair. "Patient has taken all her prescribed medicines." She pointed at the little jar of medicine I had taken with me. I found her act brilliant, yet rude.

"I am the one who needs to study the list, not you." I confronted. She frowned once again and spit a stain of saliva, only a few inches from my feet. I wanted to get mad at her, but her eyes told me there was nothing I could make her believe. She headed off to her bathroom and did everything the list said. I watched without saying a thing. She even dared to grab the jar of medicine by herself. She laid herself in bed and kept quiet for the rest of the evening. She made it look like she never did anything that was on the papers. Like she never committed self destruction or that she never stole cutlery or elastic bands. But she did, I wasn't stupid. The wounds she had all over her body were caused by herself. Her face was full of scratches and her arms and legs full of cuts. I still sat on the chair at the opposite side of the room. She fully lay against the wall, breathing through the gap between the wall and the bed. I read a magazine with my flashlight while waiting for her to fall asleep. I was exhausted. I saw in the corner of my eye how her breath decreased slowly. Was I the only one who found her more interesting than any other patient? She was just extremely gorgeous, but so damaged. I wondered what happened to her. She has been in a psychiatric hospital since she was nine years old for God's sake.

After half an hour I finally gently closed the door behind me. Kris already stood in front of me.

"She is a tough one, isn't she?" She whispered.

"She is... complicated, but not tough. I think we can get used to each other." I said while walking to the front door with her.

"Good luck with that, once she thinks you're bearable, she'll start to ask weird questions." Kris lit up a cigarette after exiting the building. Did she only ask weird questions if she thought I was bearable?

"How long will that take for her?" I asked.

"If she likes you, about 3 weeks. If not, it could take years." She explained. But Demi asked me that weird question about how I am already. Did she find me bearable already?


	2. I promise

I woke up the next morning with great confusion. I finally had my dream job, after working for it for more than a decade. I was really happy about it, but my thoughts were somehow only aimed at Demi. The desire for knowledge ate me alive that night. I wanted to know how she got here, how she came to be this way. Did she have family who visited her?

"Mister Sanders!" I called after him while running towards him. He turned around.

"I-I want to ask something."

"Shoot." He said with a smile.

"Could you maybe inform me about Demi?" I asked.

"Who?" He took a sip from his coffee while he looked at two patients walking by.

"Lovato." I added.

"Ah! The confusing girl from the primary department. Sit down with me." We sat down at one of the tables of the cafeteria.

"I remember the day she was brought here. She was only a 9 year old kid. She was brought by a few doctors from the hospital, they told me she had been in a fire at her own house. The fire killed her parents. Nobody knew how the fire started, it didn't start in the kitchen. They thought Demi had set the house on fire, because she behaved inhuman at the hospital. They thought she was crazy. But after a research, the house appeared not to be lit up on purpose. Demi didn't do anything, but something must have led her to be the way she is now. They couldn't diagnose her with a specific mental illness, she once was a normal girl. She was highly self-destructive since the first day she was here. She has been depressed until the present. Many psychiatrists believe she needs somebody to love. But when family visited her or when we send a caregiver that gave her the love she needed, she'd always scream at them. We gave up on her after four years of trying to make her normal again." He took another sip of his coffee and left me speechless.

"You gave up too soon." I said.

"Listen, my friend, there was nothing we could do anymore. We tried everything. We even tried to school her after we found out she wasn't schooled at all. She can't read or write." He said.

"I'm going to give a try. To make her behave like a decent person. I'm sure she can be." I stated.

"I wouldn't count on it."

The hours flew away before it was my turn to tuck the distracted girl in bed again. I opened the door and saw how Demi sat faced to the opposite wall. I closed the door behind me and stared at her while thinking. I didn't want this girl to dislike me. If I wanted to help her, she needed to like me. I shove the plate of food on the table and sat down.

"Hi." I said. I felt a great déjà u at that moment. She inhaled deeply. I noticed she had bended over, with her forehead glued to the wall.

"What are you doing?" I asked. She still didn't say a word. I got up and sat on her bed to see her looking at the cracks in the wall. She softly caressed them with the nails of her left hands. She breathed through her mouth, which was slightly open. Her eyes aimed up and down in short shocks.

"Are you going to do everything by yourself again, today?" I asked. She turned her head to me, still with her forehead pasted on the white wall. I now saw how red and puffy her eyes were. Red from crying and exhaustion. The scratches around her eyes were renewed. She looked at me with her eyelids descended. Something was off with her. I scanned her body to see if something was wrong. And yes, only now I noticed the big robe, tied around her right hand and the arm of the chair. She was tied up.

"What did you do?" I asked further, not expecting an answer. She rested her body against the back of the chair again and fully bended her head back. I was shocked to see a line of purple bruised around her neck. Had she tried to suffocate herself today?

"Why?" Was the only word that escaped my mouth. She looked at the ceiling, while a tear softly dripped down her temple. It pained me to see her cry. She probably had a tantrum. I imagined how she tried to strangle herself with whatever kind of robe. It took my breath away, just by thinking about it. How other caregivers had found her chocking, when they actually could have found her dead. How she pains herself, every time when somebody turns its back on her for the slightest moment. What kind of demons could be flying around in that pretty head of hers? All, because of one fire. It couldn't be the only cause, I didn't believe that. But the only person who could give everyone the answer was Demetria herself. She was too traumatized to tell anyone. She kept it for herself, a memory that slowly killed her from inside. What if she'd tell anyone? Would that solve at least a bit of her problems? I mean, could she ever function like a normal mature woman one day? What is she could fall in love with a partner one day, and just be happy again. She could have an own house and maybe children. She could go outside again, because God knows how long she's been locked up in here. Without fresh air and without nature. Her lack of contact with other people made her insane. Maybe she did need love from somebody, maybe she just needed some time. I can guarantee that if the rest of her family would visit her now, she'd be happier again. Happy of the fact that somebody thinks about her.

What was I doing? I was supposed to help her and I only stared at her. I quickly got up to grab the plate of food. I replaced the stool and sat down next to her. I still had great hopes that I was going to help her.

"Come. Eat. You'll feel better." I commanded. She lifted her head up and looked at the food. I grabbed the spoon, filled it with the rice and chicken and gave it to her. She brought it to her mouth, but then let it fall in the plate again without taking a bite. She didn't feel like eating, I understood.

"I need to cut your nails today." I shoved the plate back on the bed. She looked at me, surprised that I didn't enforce her. I grabbed the nail clipper and stood still in front of her. I made a twisting gesture with my finger to tell her to turn the chair around. She sighed and obeyed. She was aware of the effort she'd put herself into if she would struggle against the demand again. She sat down again and I placed my stool in front of her. She frowned and her breath increased when I softly lifted her hand. She then withdrew her hand back as her eyes filled up with tears. I gulped.

"Demi, I have to cut your nails." I stated. She severely shook her head. I sighed. How could I let her listen to me? I thought about it. What would I do if I felt like she felt? I would cry too. And maybe listen to music. That's it. I quickly grabbed my bag and took my earplugs with my cellphone. Demi's eyes followed every movement I made.

"I'm actually not allowed to do this, but if we both listen to some music, will you then let me cut your nails?" I said quietly. She looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes. I could have sworn that I saw the corners of her lips lift up. She smiled. Her excited smile looked way prettier on her than her sour face. I gave her one of the earplugs while putting the other one in my ear.

"What kind of songs do you like?" I opened my YouTube app.

"4 non blondes." She said. I smirked and typed in the name.

"The song: What's up?" I asked. She nodded swiftly. I pressed play and we both heard the guitar playing. Demi's posture changed immediately. Her shoulders finally relaxed and she bit her lower lip. She stopped with the unpredictable eye movements. She actually looked like a normal 23 year old woman. I grabbed her hand and brought the nail clipper towards her nails. She didn't struggle against it at all. As the lead singer began singing I mumbled with the melody. I had heard the song several times, but didn't know the lyrics. Demi's eyes were pointed at me, not on her nails. I saw in the corner of my eyes how she kept looking at me while I was doing my job. She thoroughly listened to me mumbling.

_And I try, oh my god do I try_

_I try all the time, in this institution_

The words hit me like a stab in my back. I looked up to see her face. I now understood why she liked this song so much. She could relate to every single word.

After helping her to get her stuff done, she finally laid down in bed. Somebody knocked at the door. I quickly got up to open it. A woman in her 40's softly started talking to me while holding a clipboard.

"I'm sorry to inform you this so lately, we had a rough day. But Demi has had, as you may have noticed, a tantrum today. It's not allowed to leave her without tying her up to her bed." She said with a high voice.

"That's..." I sighed. I couldn't find the words of how inhuman I thought that was. She shrugged her shoulders and walked away. She didn't make the rules. I closed the door and looked back at Demi, who emotionlessly looked at me. She hadn't heard that I was about to tie her up. She lied down.

"I'm sorry." I said to her before gently taking her arm and tying the leather limb holders around her bandaged wrists. She looked as if she felt a little betrayed. I inserted the remnant of the belt into the metal buckle.

"It's okay." She said quietly while looking at me with her tired eyes.

"No, it's not. I usually never do something so... so ill." I said with a cracked voice.

"Wouldn't it be even more ill if you'd let me hurt myself again at night?" She said. I stared at her. Speechless. I hadn't thought of that, what I was doing was actually better for her. But the fact that she openly spoke about it in this way scared me. She knew she'd hurt herself, as if she does it every day. Maybe she did.

"Do you think you'll ever get out of this place?" I asked.

"I don't know. Maybe somebody awaits me, somewhere. Someone I can love. Who understands me the way I am. Somebody who would help me if I needed help. Somebody who'd take me outside on a wheelchair when I become too old to walk. IF I ever make that moment." She exhaled deeply and replaced herself. Not that she could move much. I still felt guilty about that.

"How are you?" She suddenly said.

"You won't believe me if I'd say I'm good, right?" I quickly outsmarted her. Her flashes eye movements increased for a moment. As if she had some sort of Opsoclonus Myoclonus syndrome.

"You just don't understand." She whispered. I now noticed how her medicine started to affect her. She closed her eyes and instantly fell asleep. I carefully shifted a lock of her dark brown hair behind her ear.

"You're right. But I promise I will, some day."


	3. You're different

"You never told me your name, you know?" Demi said while caressing with her thumbs against my old mp3player. It had been a few weeks since our first meeting. Demi had her ups and downs and so did I. It seemed like she only hurt herself or got tantrums, or even epileptic attacks, when I didn't have her shift. I never saw her doing anything inhuman, except for the fact that she sometimes screamed at me when she didn't want to obey me. Of course we argued allot. I didn't understand why she didn't hate me yet.

"I thought you knew my name already." I honestly replied. She softly shook her head.

"I have a nameplate on my vest and I thought people had informed you about me."

"I can't read." She muttered. I nodded to let her know I was aware of her illiteracy. I placed my nameplate between my fingers and pointed at the syllables while saying my name slowly.

"Se-le-na." She didn't look at the plate, only at my face.

"Selena." She repeated. I nodded again with a smile. She tensed her lips and stared into nothing. She looked back at me.

"How are you?" She asked for the hundredth time. I sighed. I hated to disappoint her all the time, about the fact that I didn't understand her.

"I.. I.." I stuttered while trying to find the words. She goggled, got up and walked over to her bathroom. She probably gave up waiting for an answer.

"Did you take a shower this morning?" I asked. She normally did that, but I had to check it anyways.

"No. My psychiatrist made the appointment run out." She said while kicking off her simple sneakers. I checked my files to see if there were any specialties for this case. It only said I had to watch over her. Great, I thought, now I have to awkwardly look at her while she's... I turned around and saw a naked Demi in the doorway. She stood with her back towards me, not noticing I saw her. My jaw dropped to see something I never noticed. She had burn scars, all over her body. The red stains started from her upper legs, all the way to her shoulders. She turned to her side and I saw how the scars were spread a little over her stomach as well, but they stopped there. Her body was, despite the scars, amazingly beautiful. She wasn't skinny, but I would kill to have her feminine body parts. She was so different from all the other patients. She unsuspectingly pulled the bandages from her self-destructed wounds. I watched how she covered her wrists, ankles and hips with cut pieces of trash bags. After finishing preparing, she stood still in front of the shower while covering her breast. She stared towards the tires. I now realized she was waiting for me to enter the bathroom. I quickly threw the files on her bed and walked inside. I sat down on the stool and only now she turned the shower on. My eyes were glued to her. I couldn't stop myself from staring. What the heck was wrong with me? Maybe she didn't only turn on the shower. I smirked about myself with that thought. I looked down and rested my back on the wall.

"What?" Demi said while brushing the soap out of her hair.

"Nothing." I said swiftly, trying to avoid looking at her. If I would look at her for the slightest moment, I wouldn't stop staring again. I saw her offended look in the corner of my eyes.

"Seriously, there's nothing." I stated again.

"You laughed. Did you laugh about me?"

"Yeah- I mean no. I mean, I laughed about myself."

"Why?"

"Nothing."

"Well, if it's so unimportant, then maybe you should stop staring your eyeballs out at me." She said quickly. Busted. I gulped.

"Maybe they shouldn't have hired me to be the caregiver of women." I smirked again. She frowned. Her confused face made me realize that she actually never felt love before. She never kissed a person and she even never felt horny before. It surprised me how quickly she felt offended. I chuckled for one moment, but she immediately thought I derided her. Maybe she thought I laughed about her scars?

I already knew where the burn scars came from, but I somehow felt like asking about them anyways. To at least show her I cared. I couldn't ignore it, that'd actually be rude.

"How did you get those?" I asked without thinking it through. She turned around quickly. Her wide eyes could grub my heart out. She shut down the shower and quickly wrapped herself in a towel. She stared for a moment to think about her respond.

"T-there was a fire." She said with a soft trembling voice, she now avoided eye contact with me. She didn't continue speaking. I knew she'd get mad if I asked further, so I didn't.

I visited my friend, Evette, the next morning. She was my best friends since high school. We were nothing alike, she was way to dolly compared to me. She had a beautiful dark skin and very small curls. Her hair was very short and she had the most beautiful smile.

"Girl, I bought you that ice coffee from that small place in town." She said while handing me the plastic cup. I laughed.

"You know I love that. Thanks." I said. She sat down next to me on her white couch looked at her nails.

"So how is your new job?" She asked with full interest.

"Amazing, I love it. I have these standard patients on a schedule. Most of them are from the secondary department, which means their mental illness isn't that bad. But I have two patients from the primary department, whose cases are a bit more severe. They're kind of locked up in their hut. The first patient is Sean, he's very sweet. But he's scared of people, so I had to, like, 'build' a bond with him. I think he starts to like me. And then there is Demi." I stopped from there, because once I would start to talk about her, I wouldn't stop.

"Who is this Demi then?" She asked. I sighed.

"I don't know what her deal is. She's traumatized, obviously, but there's more. I feel like I could actually heal her. She has all these burn scars over her back, which are quite frightening to see and-"

"Wait how do you know about those scars?" She interrupted.

"Well, I'm her caregiver, I have to shower her of course." I took another sip from my ice coffee. Evette looked at me with a significant face.

"Is she pretty?" She asked while grinning. I chuckled nervously.

"Yeah, I mean, she has a nice-looking face." I said. She laughed now.

"You know exactly what I mean!" She almost yelled.

"Okay, okay. Yeah, her body is pretty nice." I laughed.

"Well you better watch out. If you find out she's a dike, there's no turning back." She teased. I pushed her knee and laughed with her.

"You're such a pain in my ass." I laid myself back on the couch. Evette wasn't a lesbian, but she always teased me with certain girls I might like. But I didn't like Demi in that way, I thought. Demi was too confused. She was pretty and all, but I didn't like her in the way Evette described.

"No, I don't have crush on her or anything." I said. She smiled.

"There's only one way to find out." She spoke with a soft voice.

"Because maybe one day you will dream about her. About her body and her face. About the galaxy you can see in her eyes. And then you will wake up with a lesbian boner. It will start to happen soon. When your knee accidently touches hers, you actually don't want withdraw it, because her touch is so exciting. And you will realize the fact that you actually never want to lose her, because your heart starts to beat faster whenever you open the door to her hut. You will think of nothing more than her. Than her smile, her assets. You will hope for nothing more than the moment she's panting under you with her 'pretty' naked body. You will look forward to every day you have a shift with her, because then she can make you smile again..." She came closer and closer with every quote. I stiffened and looked wide-eyed at her.

"But that won't happen, right?" She added quickly and took another sip of her coffee. I gulped. I smiled while goggling to make it less awkward.

"You're out of your mind Eve. And there's no such thing as a lesbian boner, you douche." I laughed.

I walked into the big corridor of huts from the primary department. I was still a bit overwhelmed by the words Evette told me today. It was around 10 pm and I felt weak and tired as hell. I stopped for a moment to rub my face. Yes, Evette and I had a few drinks, but I wasn't drunk. I could tell the difference between being tipsy and highly wasted. I grabbed my files again and joggled to Demi's room to wake myself up. I looked into the small window of the door. She didn't sit on her usual chair. I moved my head around to find her, but she didn't lay on her bed either. My sight inside the hut stopped from there. I quickly opened the door, but it got stopped by a pair of sneakers on the floor. I wringed myself through the small opening and found her on the floor. Her appearance made my heart drop. The chair was tumbled down and she lied there on her side, shocking and convulsing. She looked highly pale and sweat broke on her foreheas. I dropped my files and ran to her after the words popped up in my head: epileptic attack. Her eyes moved to many placed while she made scary shocking noises. Only now I noticed the blood dripping from her wrists. I wiped the hair from her face and pulled off my jacket. I rolled it up and tried to place it underneath her head. I placed my hand on hers, but she immediately grabbed it and squeezed it tight. I sighed when I became aware of the fact that there was nothing I could do. I just had to watch it fading away, there was no cure. She suddenly stopped shaking, squeezed her eyes closed and tensed all the muscles in her shoulders and arms while noises escaped from her wide open mouth. It sounded highly painful. Her muscles softly relaxed as her breath evened out again. She opened her eyes again and stared forward.

"Are you okay?" I asked. She lifted her head and leaned on her elbow. She looked down while recovering from her brain malfunction. She gave a quick look at her wrist, but then looked up again. She closed her mouth as her eyes filled up with tears. Her eyebrows quivered and her breath increased again.

"You can cry, sweetie. Don't be scared." She now looked at me with her pained eyes. She suddenly screamed at me. She inhaled deeply and cried it out. I wanted to grab her hand, but she leaned forward to me and hugged me tight. She had never touched me by her own will before, let alone that she ever hugged me. She fully leaned with her upper body against mine while her screams almost deafened my left ear. I quickly wrapped my arms around her and hugged back. She didn't necessarily need me. She just needed someone, something to embrace. She needed a friend, a mother. She needed a shoulder that could catch up her tears before they would fall onto her self-made wounds. The blood on her wrist totally messed up my shirt, but I didn't care. I was willing to give up a shirt, just to give her what she needs. She cried loudly and shook like a dog shitting razorblades. Her cry gave me a pain in my chest. I wanted to cry with her, but I needed to be strong for her. I needed to be strong whenever she couldn't be. She stopped screaming and almost hyperventilated.

"Breathe. It will be okay, just breathe." I said while she tried to control her breath. Her chin almost buried a hole in my shoulder. She then quickly sat up and avoided eye-contact with me. She bounced back and forth while she tried to blink away the tears in her eyes. I now realized I hadn't pressed the green button, even though she was in medical danger. But maybe it was for the best not to let people get involved in her breakdown.

"I.." She began with a trembling cracked voice. She softly shook her head.

"I don't know why I did that." She said softly.

"You mean hugging me?" I asked. She nodded and wiped away another tear.

"Isn't that the job of a caregiver?" I said while giving her a smile. She looked at me for just a second.

"I never do that." She said.

"I know, why did you?" I asked.

"Y-you're different..." She said and looked down.


	4. Getting out

We stared at each other for over a minute. I was the one who's different? I saw no differences between me and the other caregivers. I think she was the different one here. She couldn't be left alone in a room with any sharp things. Speaking of sharp things, how did she get those cuts?

I looked around quickly and saw the screw under the bed. I quickly grabbed it.

"NO, THAT'S MINE!" She screamed. I put it in my pocket. She bore her teeth at me and screamed again.

"Shush, hey! People are trying to sleep." I said, half yelling and half whispering.

"Now sit down on your bed and don't move." I said and helped her up. She sat down and I quickly grabbed the first aid kit from her bathroom. I looked at my watch, it was 11 pm already. I sighed and smear a clot of toothpaste on her toothbrush. I walked back to her, gave her the toothbrush and sat down to take care of her wrist.

"Now hurry up, it's late. Are you feeling better?" I renewed her bandage. She nodded and thrust the toothbrush in her mouth. I sighed after finishing and she ran to the bathroom to clear her mouth. She lied down in bed after taking her medicine, which is when I realized I actually had to tie her up again today. I started humming to ease the rough sphere. I gently placed her arm in the limb holder and softly tied the belt around her wrist. Her eyes were only pointed at me, she listened. A few interesting, yet pleasing stares got exchanged before I finished while I hummed something easy. I felt a big déjà vu now, it was just like the first time I tied her up, but she looked at me in a different way than before. I tried to figure out what, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Her eyes were only pointed at mine. That's it. Her sudden eye movements had stopped, and she walked to her bed without her shrugged shoulders. She was relaxed. Was it because of me?

"I know that song." She almost whispered.

"You do?" I smiled.

"My mother used to sing that song all the time." Shit. I didn't want to make her sad.

"Oh, sorry. I'll stop." I stuttered quickly.

"No." She placed a hand on my arm. It tingled. "Go on." She looked at me with her questioning eyes.

"Hm." I giggled shyly and went on. I secretly tried to print all the movements she made in my head. I saw how her medicine made her feel 100 lbs heavier. I had a feeling like she didn't need so many medicines. Everything they did to her only made her worse. Like I said, her lack of freedom made her insane.

"Mister Sanders!" I yelled after him again and stopped before the tall black man.

"It's late Gomez."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'd like to ask you something." I said.

"About Demetria again?"

"Her name is Demi. And actually, yes. I wanted to ask you if I could take her outside for a day." I spit out the words. The man burst out laughing, that wasn't a good sign.

"A patient from the primary department... outside?" He laughed again. I looked down of  embarassment. He cleared his throat and put on his jacket.

"You can take her outside her hut, you have my permission for that. But only for one day! You can, uhm, play games with her or something. I heard she likes singing, take her to the music hall. But don't let her place a single foot outside, understood?" She likes singing? I never heard her sing before. I bowed my head to thank him and greeted him goodnight.

I stood up early the next morning. It was Saturday, I had no shifts in the weekend, but I was now allowed to take care of Demi all day. I called all my colleagues who had Demi's shift on Saturday. I was somehow excited about this day, it felt like I was going to visit the home a new girl from school. I thought about things we could do.

"Good morning, sweetie." I shook her shoulder. She inhaled deeply and squeezed her eyes. I felt guilty about the fact that I had to wake up the restless girl so early.

"Come on, I asked the boss if we could have a day together and he gave permission. You're allowed to get out of your hut today!" I said excited while untying her belts. It felt as if I pressed the pause button yesterday, went home and got back and now pressed play again. She looked wide-eyed at me after the last words I said.

"I'm getting out today?" She asked. I nodded wildly and pulled her arm. She got up and put her shoes on.

"Here, let me brush your hair." I grabbed the brush while Demi didn't really have the chance to say no. I ran with the needles through her damaged dark brown hair.

"What will we do? Do I have another interview?" She asked with an excited face. She didn't smile though.

"Another interview? No, we will just have some fun. We can play games, or make some music. But promise me that you won't scream or swear at people, or hurt people." I said. I quickly got up and opened the door. Demi got up too and stood stiffened in front of the doorway.

"Come on! There'll be people there you can talk with and stuff." I said as an attempt to encourage her. She stepped forward and looked through the opening. I walked through the door and held my hand up, so she could grab it if she was too scared. Instead, she hopped to me and grabbed my whole arm. She looked around, to the people that looked through the small window of their huts. I walked to the exit of the primary department with her.

"Now, there will be people on the other side of this door. If you're too scared, you must tell me, okay?" I told the girl who held my arm like a small child. She nodded. I opened the door to the head corridor of the building. I noticed how crowded and noisy the place was, now that I sort of looked through Demi's eyes. The place was filled with patients of different ages, all walking and even running through the corridor. Demi's head flinched back so quickly, her head almost disappeared between her shoulders, proverbially speaking of course. She looked like a small dog near firework.

"It's okay." I whispered before slightly pulling her with me. She shyly took small steps with me. The patients and caregivers stared at her while we headed off to the cafeteria. They, of course, recognized the distinctive clothes she wore. All patients from the primary department wore knee-lengthened harem pants and old oversized shirts in the same boring grey color. Demi's eyes followed everyone who walked by. Her scared face expression slowly faded away, but that didn't last long. Once we stepped into the cafeteria she almost shitted bricks. Many people sat by the tables, enjoying their breakfast.

"Secondaries are allowed to eat outside their rooms." I informed, immediately giving the patients from the secondary department a nickname, because gosh that's a mouth full. Demi seemed to observe every detail of the room, she looked around for more than thirty seconds, still with her arms clinched around my right arm.

"Come, let's get you some breakfast." I again slightly pulled her with me. We stood in the line to get her food.

"I don't want to eat..." She suddenly said softly.

"Wha- why not? They won't poison you. See you usually get the leftovers, because you don't have the choice what to eat, but now you can use this day to finally pick out what you want!" I tried to convince her. She swiftly shook her head and looked down. Sigh. Now I had to think of something again.

"Hey, okay, if I will eat some food with you, will you eat with me than?" I offered. She thought for a moment, but then nodded. She felt save around me, I liked that idea.

We sat down at a table after minutes and minutes of constantly asking her if she wanted an apple, or macaroni, or anything else. She never said 'I want this', I had to ask her all the time. Demi looked around while breathing heavily. I shove her plate to her.

"Eat. Don't make yourself nervous." I said while thrusting my spoon in my mouth. I already had breakfast this early morning, but it was worth it to eat nasty cafeteria food, as long as she ate too because of it. The place highly reminded me of high school, only the people were all a little different. There were lots of people with down-syndrome, or kids with a severe lack of social skills. I watched how Demi lifted her shoulders and wildly rubbed her hands when two men tried to squeeze their selves through the lunch tables behind her.

"Sorry." One of the two said, which made Demi gasp. I quickly grabbed her hand when I was certain she was going to lose it. I was afraid she was going to scream or cry. Because that would only make people stare at her, I didn't want to let that happen to her. Then she'd lose it even more.

"Relax. Hey, look at me. You're doing a really great job so far." I said. I started to regret what I had done. She wasn't having a good time at all, she was just too scared. But I wasn't giving up on her. She was going to have a good time, no matter what.

"So what do you want to do today?" I asked and continued eating.

"I want to feel the sun." She said. How astonishing. The tiny window in the wall of her hut never let the sunshine sneak through. It was just in the wrong position. Unfortunately, it was cloudy today. And Demi wasn't allowed to go outside.

"I don't know if that's possible..." I said. Demi disappointedly looked down and finally took her fork. She stared at it, but after a few second she pricked through her potatoes. What was she thinking about? Sometimes I wish I could read thoughts.

"What else?" I asked. I thought while chewing. Her shoulders were still tensed.

"I want to grow things." She said. Another astonishing thing to say. Did she mean grow things, as in plants? Or as in propagation? I hoped she'd say she wanted to play a game or something.

"Okay, be a liiiitle more specific." I said. She looked confronted. She gave a small nod, rather to herself. She took another bite while thinking.

"I want to.. uh.. express music through movements." She said. Now we're getting somewhere.

"You mean dancing?" I asked. Her sudden unexpected eye-movements suddenly continued. What made her stop and continue doing that? She nodded.

"Well good! There's a yoga room down the hallway. We can put up some music and stuff.

After a long way to the yoga room, we finally arrived. Lucky for us, there were no people. I opened the room and turned on the lights. Demi's scared posture finally vanished. She looked around while scratching her elbows. I plugged my phone to the speakers.

"Okay, how do you want to dance? We can jam to 'what's up' again?" I asked. She thought of the way to pronounce the name right.

"Ei-einaudi." She stuttered.

"Einaudi? What's that?" I asked. She vertically waved her hand in the air. The sign that means 'hurry up' or 'just do it', but I got her point. I typed the name on the YouTube app and searched for a song.

"Run?" I offered.

"Burning." She said. I sighed with a smile and obeyed. I pressed play. To my surprise, a piano started playing.

"Uh.. Is this the right one? Will someone start singing?" I asked. But she didn't respond. She just looked at herself in the mirror. Once the main melody began, she lifted her arm. I questioned to myself what she was doing. But when her knee bowed with her arm, I understood. She twisted her arms and slowly turned to the other side, without stretching her knee again. She then turned the other way with a different arm movement. She looked beautiful. The way her hands were tensed looked so majestic. The space between her fingers was perfect, as if she played the piano herself. As if she struck the strings of the violin herself. She danced like flames in the sky. She danced like northern lights. As if she was a warm dancing flame in a cold dark place. She was the center of the universe in that minute. The piano went to its climax, but she stopped dancing. She looked confused at me, but stepped forward. She grabbed my hands and pulled me to the middle of the room with her. She wanted me to dance like that? I'd make it look weird... I made a small noise to back out, but her eyes told me to just go with it. She stood faced to me, I stood faced to her. She now began to move the same arm while her eyes were locked to me. The music made me mime her and I moved my arm just like she did. We fell in a mirroring flow. My eyes could only be pointed at her movements, so that I knew how I had to move. But her eyes were still glued to mine. Even when we faced with our back to each other, we still looked over our shoulders to see one another. My hands weren't as majestic as hers, but together we did form a duet dance. We were now two flames in harmony. It was beautiful. The music faded away we stopped dancing.

Demi tensed her shoulders immediately and looked down while she picked her fingers.

"T-that was incredible." I said. She looked up.

"Normally I'm a fool at dancing." I confessed.

"..But you made me look good somehow." I added. To my surprise, she smiled. She actually smiled again. It was only the second time I ever saw her pleased eyes. It remembered me of what her files said. _Barely shows particular emotions, such as: happiness, sadness or disgust._ _I've only seen her sad once, and happy now twice. She was a work in progress. The smile gave me hope. I smiled back._

"You should smile more often." I said. She shyly looked down again.

"Do you want to meet Tania? She has Down syndrome and is one of my patients. She loves to meet new people, maybe we can play a game with her!" I said. Her smile disappeared and she became visibly nervous again. But she needed to learn to befriend people.

"Okay Demi, say hi to Tania." I held her shoulders from behind and pushed her forward. Tania was the sweetest patient I had, she was just like a 7 year old child. She loved the same things as little girls did, like princesses and fairies. I had thought this through, because maybe Demi just had no childhood somehow. I don't know. It could be everything. This was my way of finding out; searching for the patient who behaves the most similar to Demi. Not that Demi behaves like a 7 year old, but I just started with the easiest patient.

Tania stepped forward and smiled brightly.

"Hi Demi!" She shouted while holding her hand up.

"How polite of you, Tania, that's really good! Demi, you can shake her hand, she won't bite." It felt like I had to place two different masks on my face whenever I spoke to one of them. Demi looked at her hand and hesitated to take it, but she did.

"Demi, are we going to be best friends?" Tania yelled and wagged with her hips and arms. Demi looked at me and I nodded to encourage.

"I.. uh..yeah?" She stuttered. Tania jumped up and down and quickly ran to her table. I grinned and walked towards her to sit on the second chair, leaving Demi on her spot. She really needed to crawl out of her shell. I wasn't going to steer her to walk or talk any longer.

"Look what I made Demi! It's a drawing of Ariel! You can see her red hair there, and that's her tail. She is happy because Sebastian made a joke." Tania said while waving the paper in front of Demi's face. Demi only stood there stiffened.

"Tania, remember what I said about talking so loudly? It can scare others, remember?" I said. Tania slammed her hand before her mouth. I laughed. I looked at Demi and mimed Tania by placing my hand on my mouth too and looking surprised. Tania laughed hard, but Demi still stood on her spot. I sighed with a smile and gestured her to come here. She shyly stepped forward and sat down in the third chair. Okay, time for me to shut up. It was silent for a long moment. I got up to make a nice braid in Tania's blond hair.

"Demi do you like princesses?" Tania asked while I played with her hair. Demi frowned.

"I think I did, once." She replied.

"Well I still do. What do you like?"

"Uhm.. uh.. Music." She said. Good answer, nice save.

"I love music too! Do you know Sesame Street?" Tania went on coloring.

"N.. no.." Demi said. She looked hurt somehow.

"I do! There is character Elmo, he sings all the time, he is really cute. I also watch My Little Pony, my favorite pony is Pinkie Pie of course. I always wanted to be her, I always wanted to have her magic because she can do all these cool stuff." She kept on blabbing about stuff no one could be interested about. Demi looked down and gulped.

"Come on, you must have seen My Little Pony!" Tania went on. Don't push it..

"But I haven't." Demi replied, clearly and louder this time.

"You have never?"

"No! Never!"

"Why not?"

"Because they don't allow me to!"

"Who's they?"

"Mom and dad!" Demi shouted. She looked shocked of what she just said, so was I. Her parents were dead. This must have been an argument she once had already.

"I.. uh, I mean.." Her breath increased swiftly. Shit. I began speaking as an attempt to cool her down, but Demi bared her teeth and flipped the table. I quickly pulled Tania's chair with me in a reflex. All the markers and papers fell on the ground and the table made a big bang. Demi looked up. Everyone stared at her, she lost it. Tania started crying. I wanted to take Demi back to her hut, just how I was supposed to do it, but immediately other colleagues ran to Demi and grabbed her arms. Demi got scared to death and screamed. She therewith tried to scare them off and pulled away as hard as she could. They literally threw her on the ground and almost sat on her to keep her away from the opportunity to move. Her screams sounded like she got squeezed badly. All the caregivers blocked my sight of her. No, this was wrong. This was so wrong. She didn't do anything special. She didn't have a tantrum until people started attacking her. I promised I was going to help her whenever she needed help.

"Let go. Let go off her! Hey! Stop!" I yelled, but the man who comforted Talia stopped me. Demi's screams scared the other patients severely. I just looked around, not knowing what to do. They lifted Demi up by her arms and carried her away, back to her hut. I quickly ran after her.

"Please, don't be so hard on her!"

"Do you now see why she's in the primary department?" Mister Sanders stopped me. Somebody must have pressed the red button, otherwise he couldn't have seen it.

"Sir, she didn't do anything wrong until they held her!" I defended.

"She flipped a freaking table, Gomez! You better watch your tongue! Now get your ass in her hut and finish your duty." He commanded. I looked down.

"Yes, sir." I said and walked to the primary department.

"I'm so sorry." I said while staring at the tied up Demi. She sat on the same old chair as always.

"I'm going to free you now, I know you did nothing wrong." I said confidential. Demi frowned while I crouched to untie her. The moment both of her arms were freed she pushed me back. I fell on my butt and hit my head against her bed. She started yelling again and clawed with what was left of her nails against her face.

"Stop it! Stop now!" I got up and grabbed her wrists.

"Ow!" She yelled with a trembling voice. I let go off her bandaged wrist, but held the other. She had damaged her face pretty badly.

"W-why did you do that?" I stuttered. I thought she was going to cry, but she didn't.

"Because I don't want you to see me." She said softly while trying to avoid any possibility that I could see her.

"Why not?" I let go off her other hand. She covered her face with them.

"Because you shouldn't. I am not." She said. That confused me.

"You're not what?" I asked.

"I'm just not!" She stated again. I softly pulled her arms. The blood on her face had spread in stains over her skin. Her eyes were red.

"I want to see you, you're beautiful." I said. I was afraid she was going to think that was weird. She raised her eyebrows. I nodded to confirm what I said. She hesitatingly came closer and wrapped her arms around my neck. I hugged back.

"Come, you should take a nap. Maybe we can play a game when you wake up." I said and let go.

"I don't want to take a nap." She said. "Then I'll have to take my medicine, and then I won't wake up soon."

"And what if you don't take your medicine?" I asked. She didn't answer me.

"Come, just try to sleep for an hour, I'll amuse myself." I helped her into bed after taking care of the scratches on her face. I sat down on my stool and grabbed my phone. I smirked when I got an idea. I placed the stool next to the head of her bed and handed her one of the earplugs. She looked at me, placed it in her ear and closed her eyes. We listened to Ludovico Enaudi again, until she fell asleep.


End file.
